CC Cycle 3 and the Who Was Series

Last spring we had an amazing experience where Jasper, who was in 5th grade at the time, was able to compete in a small, local Who Was Competition. We were very proud of him – and he won! He started toting Who Was books with him wherever he ventured in preparation for a national competition. We suddenly became a lot of more aware of these books and the context they provide. They are amazing at providing a quick and easy read, with plenty of information to familiarize a child with the context of what was happening in the world. We also became the proud new owners of the entire series.

This year I am reading these books aloud to Tiberius (1st) and Torreya (3rd) and have lined them up with Classical Conversations Cycle 3. There are many more that could fall on this list, and this does not even begin to cover all the American Who Was books; however, it is a good start.

If you would be interested in the file you can click below!

who-was-cc-cycle-3Download

Do you know how to find happiness?

American entertainment and media bombards us daily with images and messages about what will make us happy. The messages are usually about pleasing ourselves or having something new. But how much thought are each of us giving to what actually makes us happy, the kind of happy that has your heart pounding with joy and contentment. Is it these things or something different?

Twenty years ago, if you asked me what makes me happy, I would have told you my favorite sport was shopping.

Ten years ago if you had asked me what makes me happy I probably would have told you I enjoyed time with my children and would have rattled off a list of hobbies that I enjoy. I would have listed off something like this: 1) reading to my children, 2) gardening, and 3) quilting. Things I still wish I had more time for.

A few years ago though I realized none of these things were making me happy – the kind of happy that your heart feels full and merry. The kind of happy where you wake up smiling and go to bed smiling. In fact, I realized that the environment around me was usually making me more upset. I do enjoy getting gifts, but they do not make me happy and the enjoyment is fleeting, except maybe my new olive trees. They spark some joy still weeks later when I think of them.

Some of my greatest thoughts come when I am washing dishes. Maybe its because I don’t have a working dishwasher and I can spend moments not having to think about anything else. But, a few years ago, while hand washing up a mess of dishes from our family of 10, it occurred to me that I am most happy when serving my family, and not just anyone in the family, but those whom I knew needed my help the most. And in my case, it is our adult children. The girls who we fostered, who aged out of care, and who we still call our own.

Helping them along this journey we call life has created some of the happiest heart days in my life. Their visits always bring me smiles, but the joy of mentoring and advising them, of serving them and helping them, makes my heart more glad than any hobby I could have.

Yes, I still really want to go on vacations and travel. I love those things. I love those things with my family. But on a day to day basis, I am most blessed when I seek not to please myself but to please others. The American culture tells us to seek to please ourselves first and foremost to make ourselves happy; but this is a lie. Happiness is best found when pursuing to serve others and putting others before yourself.

“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.‘” Acts 20:35

When grumpy wakes up that way

I’m laughing just a little this morning. There is a chuckle welling up in me. My son, who has been doing so well for days, decided today he would wake up and yell at everyone. I wish I knew why. I’ve spent a few moments reminding him about being kind and fixing it. It’s helping and that makes me hopeful.

My other children around him have been patient. This is growth. This is HUGE! I am a proud mom today to see them not reacting with anger.

My job today is to step back and be the encourager. Encouraging him to make the right choices. Praising and encouraging them to continue with their patience and forgiveness.

But seeing it all, laid out before me so clearly makes me smile. Life is good and we will get through this day together, with a touch of prayer and patience.

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” Hebrews 10:24

Trauma, raising impulsive children

We have said it over and over again: the hardest part about being a foster parent was the system, not the children. The constant eyes peering in our life. People popping in the door many, many days. The struggle with trying to understand exactly how the decision at hand was serving the best needs of the children. The lack of communication…really, the list goes on and on.

Many times we held an adorable baby. Unfortunately, many times that same sweet soul had been exposed to prenatal drug abuse and oftentimes physical abuse and anger that was taking place outside the womb. The immediate impacts are not always clear. Yes, sometimes there are withdrawals but you hold the baby close and wonder for years from now will look like. The two year old still cries excessively. I know the meth cry. But five years out, and ten years out, when the child is adopted, the troubles look different. Nothing quite prepares you for handling the development and emotional needs of trauma kids. And part of that is because every child is so different, and every situation is different.

It probably took us a few years before we realized our four-year-old was a slightly, or dramatically, more impulsive than other children, mainly because she was so wonderful in other ways. Or that telling our six-year-old son not to do something, 100 TIMES, really wasn’t going to make much of a difference. Or that the impulsive behavior that they had as toddlers, while it may improve, doesn’t disappear as much as you would hope even as teens. Parenting is hard for everyone. Parenting with trauma kids is even harder. Redirecting may work with a toddler, but not with a school-age child. Searching every step along the way for a new schedule that will work, for rewards that will work, for something that will help the child think through a situation instead of just reacting. The struggle is real when consequences don’t matter or can’t be considered because reactions are too quick.

And the real issue is that prenatal drug exposure has long-term impacts on brain development and brain structure, changes that often lead to high impulsivity with children.

While that in itself is horrible, and the children are suffering long-term consequences from the mistake of others, many of these children struggle with lack of support from teachers and community leaders. Those adults who insist that your child’s lack of control is somehow related to your lack of direction or parenting, or the child’s lack of respect. When the issues are much deeper and much stronger than that.

When I meet you, I will judge you. Your demeanor and behavior towards my family will tell me the amount of grace you will most likely give us. It is impossible for me not to. If you are eyeing my children before greeting me, I have probably already made up my mind. I have been scolded, lectured, and sneered at because my children do not always follow the rules. I wanted perfect children. It didn’t happen. I wanted to be the perfect mom. It didn’t happen either. But what I do know, is that giving yourself grace, others grace, and your children grace goes so much further in building relationships, trust and community than holding someone under a a never-bending set of rules and regulations.

I have walked in churches where we have been scolded for a child being on a rail. We have had accidents in homes and never been invited back. Family have put possessions in higher regard than my child. It puts me on edge. All of it. I have been on edge for years. My child is not going to not touch something because they were asked. And to those who have offered us grace, and given me hugs and seen the nerves I carry when we are out, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your grace helps me get through many days.

I am by no means suggesting following our own desires and sinfulness, or failing to train and teach our children. We will seek to do what is right, good, and holy in sight of God. Every day of my life is devoted to helping to meet the needs of our children while giving God the glory. Our family will continue to walk the straight and narrow, and when my child struggles, I will continue to ask “How can I help you?” because they are loved, and they have value, and they are a gift from God.

Psalm 139:13-16

“For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.”

Setting Daily Priorities

Having educational goals with our children is one of the ways we keep ourselves and them motivated. I have done it internally their whole lives. Petra was four and we were finishing up our reading lesson book. There were only 100 more lessons! My goal, finish that book before she turns five. It wouldn’t have mattered if I did. Life would have gone on. I’m sure she would have still been a great reader. And she didn’t know I had made the goal. In this case, it wasn’t a shared goal because she was too young at this point in her life. I was eager new mom, and she was an eager reader. And we met the goal. We finished the Ordinary Parents Guide to Teaching Reading, which ends around a 4th grade reading level, before her 5th birthday. This has never been accomplished again with any of my other children. I’m not sure how much is because I have lacked this goal, and how much is because they are just different. Probably both factors have determined this outcome, and more of one or the other depending on the child.

The pattern of setting goals has continued in other ways. In music lessons: Can you finish learning this song this week? Can we learn 1 line well each day? And if that is too much, can we just do two measures. In math lessons: let’s conquer word problems this month and complete 100! With Jasper we set out to work on puzzles because he loved them. Every day I sought out new puzzles for him. And by 2 years old he could complete a 100 piece puzzle. And suddenly the goals we set for ourselves begin to be accomplished and we were satisfied and excited about the progress.

Most prominently over the last several years we have set a goal related to regional and national competitions. This was a shared goal among myself, my husband, and our two oldest children. When they were in early elementary grades we had the opportunity to join a quiz club group that met once a week. They loved attending. Lessons revolved around art, music and mythology these early years. We spent years as a family learning about the competitions, the study questions, and the competitions as none of us had ever been a part of anything similar. But our coach guided us through the ins and outs as we slowly progressed and understood more each year.

Our goals continued with the National Mythology Exam and the Exploratory Latin Exam. Both of these were offered to us through our quiz club program and the children were delighted when they began earning medals for perfect or near perfect scores.

At home we had a love of history. Homeschooling was redeeming my own education in this area, and I was finding it just as fascinating to learn history alongside them. It seemed natural to move towards the National History Bee. Three years ago we made the goal: qualify for the Regional History Bee competition. Both of them did. Two years ago we made the goal: qualify for the National History Bee. Both of them did. And this year, we made the goal to compete in the National History Bee, the National Academic Bee, the National Humanities Bee, the National Science Bee, The National History Bowl, and the National Academic Bowl because that seems like the logical next step, right? Well, it seems more logical if you know the competitions are all offered over a 4 day span at the same location. And the children did great! (The actual details of the national competitions this year deserve a separate post, and I will write that up another day.)

Setting goals for my progress in life, as well as our children’s educational goals, is what keeps me moving forward on a daily basis. I have to know what I am working toward. And they do much better as well if they know what they are working toward. At the moment, competitions are serving as motivational factor for my older two children. They want to learn. They want to do well. They want to travel and attend competitions. They think it is fun!

But it is more than just competition. Having set goals establishes priorities in my day and focuses me on the task at hand. And this is probably what I find most helpful because our days are so busy. I know that if I can get our priorities accomplished, then the rest can fall by the side without me getting frustrated or worried. Even better, I love that homeschooling provides us with the opportunity to set these educational goals for our children and we aren’t competing with work assignments coming from a school system that would add additional workload to the children’s day. Because after all, they are still children, and they need play as well.

Our daily priorities should reflect what we want for ourselves and for our family, and should make things a little simpler for us so we don’t feel like we are taking on the world each day. Each year, I lay out what we want to accomplish in our education, what are goals are, and we set priorities from there. If it looks like too much, or the workload is too long, we realize we have too many and things have to fall by the side for the time being. When our children are younger the priorities are much simpler: reading lessons and music practice seem to always get a daily top notch. As they grow, the goals help motivate them to set their own priorities, to work on them daily, and to learn.

We come back to these educational priorities frequently and reevaluate them. Have we set the priorities we want for ourselves and our children? Do they need to be changed? And course is altered if need be.

Choosing Joy

It was almost four years ago to the day, my husband came home, and I was miserable and frustrated again. The kids were not listening. To be honest, I went from a very demanding job in the Governor’s Office with high levels of stress to a job trying to maintaining a home and teaching my children. My new job as homemakers and homeschooler was my dream. I thought it was going to be easy and fun. It had been six months and I was wrong. The children had other plans on what their days should look like.

Our youngest son at the time was 21 months and receiving a ton of medical attention due to his delays. He wasn’t walking yet. He had apnea so bad he would stop breathing during the day at anytime. His snoring was over the top. Instead of having post nasal drip he had frontal nasal drip that streamed down his face all hours throughout the day.

My older son was 6 years old, brilliant, and rebelling against most school work. I would ask him to write 1 or 2 words and he would go outside and run circles around the house screaming “You can’t make me and I don’t want to.”

Throw in a beautiful, sassy and silly three-year-old girl. And a seven-year-old girl who wanted to please but was loud, full of drama, and impulse issues. And you have my life in a nutshell.

Homeschooling was hard. I couldn’t just teach them in a normal way. I had to make things engaging. It required a lot of time, energy, and planning. And certainly had to be done orally as much as possible for my son.

But it was their obedience that waned on me most. They were all active, except the youngest with delays. All loud. I would look around and see other children sitting nicely, my kids were running the halls and running circles. We spent lots of time training. It just didn’t seem to come naturally to any of my kids. They were little spit fires. And it easiest to explain and quite probably the result of drug exposure. Attention span and impulse control did not come easy for them.††

And it was with all this going on that I became frustrated on a daily basis and the joy of being a homemaker was being zapped away. And it was then that my husband came home one day and reminded me I had to choose joy. His words to me were that if I waited for everything to be perfect, it would never happen, because our children were not going to always be obedient and they were not going to be perfect. EVER.

And this verse became an axiom in our lives. And it was posted on our fridge. And we realized that we have actually have daily instruction for living our lives.

“…rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18

And my paradigm shifted. And I chose joy. ††

I chose joy despite my circumstances. And despite the chaos. And despite the hardships. And despite the disobedience. And despite the lack of money. Regardless of it all, I could choose to have a good day or I could choose not to. I could choose to let others rule my day, or not.

And this lesson continues to shape our lives. Our days are what we make of them. We can choose to be rejoice or not. And our day will reflect our attitude. It is this lesson that I hope grabs the heart of my children as well, because we can all sit in self-pity and sorrow if we choose, or we can make our lives better and we can give thanks for what we have.

It’s been a long while

Life happens. And sometimes there is no time to share. And sometimes words escape me. I haven’t posted for four years. This was on purpose. Every once in a while a thought I wanted to share came across my mind, but for the most part, there is very little I had to say that was nice – just to be frank. I have wonderful friend that has encouraged me to post over the years. She thought the world needed to see in our lives. But I wasn’t sure.

Our life was full with foster care. In the last four years we had some very exciting changes to our family. Not permanent in the state’s eyes, but certainly in ours.

Four years ago I had been home with my children for six months. Before this Thomas, my husband, had done most of the day time duties while he working on his doctorate. Our children, all adopted, were 22 months, 3, 6, and 7. Homeschooling and parenting were not meeting my imagined ideals.

Then we brought home more children. And I while I have never regretted this choice, the days became longer and harder. Keeping the house clean became almost impossible due to the number of toddlers running around. And maintaining our life was difficult, never being invited over to friends (because there were so many of us), and homeschooling was hard.

I’m going to try to fill in the gaps over the next few posts, and probably as the years pass and I remember all the details I want to share with others.

Yes, I’m attached

“I could never do what you do; I would get too attached.” This is what we hear. We hear it at the park, at school, and when we meet strangers on the street that eye us and ask about our diverse family. We even hear it from family, and dare I say, at church.

Every. Single. Time. I hear these words uttered, the phrase “’Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” broadcasts emphatically across my mind. Who knew Alfred Lord Tennyson would have such a lasting impact in my life. But this is not usually how we respond.

After fostering for seven years, we have learned to respond with love as these words tumble effortlessly off someone’s tongue. And to be honest, I say effortlessly because it is a shockingly casual remark considering the circumstances of the children in foster care.

Children are almost always in foster care due to abuse or neglect. Even when they’re not, they were thrown into a system that often isn’t moving quickly enough. (“Moving quickly” is a description that all participants agree is the minimum standard of action constituting the child’s best interest while in care.) The children are removed from the people they love the most and placed suddenly into a home with complete strangers.

Even if they are being abused at their home, they still fiercely love those who are abusing them. The abuse is all they know. Removing them from the one thing they know and placing them into something they don’t creates instability. The only thing worse than the instability and insecurity of removal is the abuse itself. We know that. Kids don’t. They have no idea why they have been taken away from what they know and placed in a situation completely foreign. And for many of these kids it will be many years, maybe a decade, before the reality of the situation is clear to them.

Our response comes to a few simple points.

1) Understand that when the child leaves to go home, this is called reunification, and this is a hopeful sign that the family is healing. The parents are addressing the problems that led to the foster placement. Rejoice! Rejoice with tears of joy knowing that not only was a child cared for today, but a family was strengthened for tomorrow.

2) Stability through attachment is critical. If you don’t attach to the child you are not doing your primary job as a foster parent. These children need healthy attachments and loving adults. All children need the stability of healthy attachments to loving and protective adults.

3) You are the adult and they are the child. You can and should sacrifice your heart for these children. Regardless of the age or developmental stage, all foster care children require shelter, bed, food (preferably meals with a family at a table), and clothing. But those things are not what make a GREAT foster home. They contribute to, but do not create stability and development. You must love. You must provide emotional, relational, and spiritual security. Yes, without love you can meet the minimum standards of foster care. But without love the child will go home just as traumatized as the day he entered care, or more so. (We think this is why most people reflexively reject foster care the way it is advertised; your heart tells you it’s not worth the pain to simply provide three squares and a cot!) It is much better for you to suffer emotionally a little now, than for the child to suffer emotionally, spiritually, physically, academically, and relationally for the rest of their lives. Take an arrow to the heart for them.

4) Did I mention attachment is critical for children? Healthy attachments lead to healthy adults. The only way to break a cycle of foster care is to intercede now, for people you don’t know and children you didn’t birth, and attach your heart to the children in your care.

5) Foster care is a ministry you can engage in at home and in your community. It doesn’t require approval from a mission board (although support from your church is preferred) or a passport. You have the opportunity (and responsibility) to help a child when they are most in need. If you are called–all Christians are called (see James 1:27)–then you should/must act. Open your home. Get licensed and get involved. Support others who are directly involved. Ask your church about how they are, or can be, involved. Seek out organizations that are helping (e.g. Go Foster!). Donate money. Pray. Pray some more.

Yes, it’s hard. I’m not going to lie and say reunification is easy on the foster parents or the other children in the family. It’s not. But foster care teaches us to love a child, to sacrifice ourselves and to step in and fulfill a real need. (And that’s something I want myself, as well as my own children, to learn.)

It’s also a blessing. Meeting a child, having them fill your home with laughter and tears, helping them cope and understand what is happening, investing in their life. It all makes sense. And it fills your heart and home with many, many memories.

If you have considered fostering a child but have had doubts due to the pain you may suffer when the child leaves your home, please understand that attaching to a child is positive thing. It should be seen as blessing, and not as a hardship. And more importantly, reunification with their family is the primary goal.

Over the last seven years we have fostered 15 children and today four of those children are currently in our home. We grieve the day a child leaves. But as the days and years pass, we remember all the fun and all the laughter and we look forward to knowing that we made a difference during that time of their life when they were most in need.

Purging our home

“while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” — II Corinthians 2:18

Our kid’s room is a MESS! Part of it was because I’ve been working the entire time we have had children. Some weeks I worked 40 hours, some weeks I worked 80 hours. In the last 7 years we have had 15 children in our home. All different ages. And as foster parents we never knew what age we would have next. So for many years we stored clothes and toys that our children didn’t need. We have stopped and we actually don’t need to now (a story for later), but the excess that I am having to get rid of is shocking. I was also never home to make sure they cleaned their room correctly, and so our children learned to shove everything in the closets and close the doors.

To be quite truthful the amount of stuff we have as a family has been aggravating me for years. It bothers me to even think about how much shopping I did as a young adult. Most of us live in excess of what we need. And even as I type this and I purge my own life and my own home, I realize that my idea of minimal is still excessive.

As a family we have tried to focus on this things which are eternal – our relationship with God, our ministry (and more specifically what we are called to do), our relationship with others, and friendships.

There are some things in our home we have limited. For instance, our four children all share a room at the moment. Our daughters share a bed. There are no video games in our home. I generally won’t let the children watch TV during the week. The children are expected to help with chores and gardening and so forth. But even so, there are areas in our life that are too abundant and wasteful.

The verse I posted at the top of the post has been reappearing in our conversations at home for many weeks now. The children and I had a short devotional on it a few weeks ago. You might hear me reminding them when I find them arguing over a toy that their relationship with their brother or sister is more valuable than the toy. I usually ask them to reconsider and try to work it out. If they can’t, I simply remove the toy. And then a friend, and young mother of three young children passed away, and we were reminded again that things in this world are only temporary. We spent a lot of time with friends that week and it was a blessing.

Our own family has suffered from excess stuff. And now that I’m home, as wife and mother, it’s time to purge. I’ve focused on a few smaller areas since being home, but this past weekend I focused on the kids room.

I had been praying about tackling their room because honestly it scarred me. And about that time, a dear friend offered to help. And so Saturday she spent 12 hours in our home sacrificing her day to help our family reach our goal. She helped drag everything out of the closets and together we put all the little pieces to all the toys back together and decided what to keep, what to trash, and what to give away.

This is a picture of some of the stuff we pulled out. It was bad. I filled up our entire large trash can outside, and I determined another three boxes to donate.

It is not completed yet, but it was the beginning. I still need to purge more and tackle the books in their room. I’m also going to let them help me tackle the stuffed animals and choose a few of their favorites.

I think the children thought I was throwing everything out. I didn’t. In the evening I think they were happily surprised at what they did see left in their closets. They can easily spot something to play with. And there are items they didn’t notice before because there was just too much stuff. So far, they haven’t been able to think of anything they are missing. It’s either because I didn’t throw out enough, or because they didn’t play with most of it anyway — and I’d prefer to think it was the latter (but I’m not sure).

I’m back, here’s an update on the family

I’ve been away for a while. It was on purpose. I was tired of everything being the same. I was waiting for a change in my life. It came.

For several weeks I’ve planned this post. I have mulled over a million things I could write about, and I have come to the realization that I have too much to say for just one post. I can’t possibly cover every thought I have had over the last two years. Or all the ways we have changed. So actually some of the most interesting things I want to say, I’ve just decided to wait and save until later.

My heart is full. We have been blessed.

The biggest changes in 2014 were that my husband graduated with his PhD in political science and I resigned from my job.

I’m thrilled to be home now every day with my children. After working full-time for 15 years, I resigned from a great job to stay home with my children. (I think there was a little disbelief that I was quitting to stay home with my children) This was a priority for our family. I wanted to be theone to spend the days with my children, to teach them, to guide them, the help them learn and grow, to kiss their boo boos, to watch all they accomplish, to see them play, and so much more. I wanted to go hiking with them and take nature walks. I wanted to spend days playing and visiting with friends.

I thought when I stayed home I would have more time to blog. More time to study Latin and French. More time to sew. More time to exercise. More time to garden. More time. It hasn’t exactly worked out that way. I’ve been home for two months. I’ve tried to get on a schedule. And I’m getting there slowly.

Instead of more time I’ve learned that I spend my days reminding children not to run and scream through the house. To look at me when I am speaking to them. To listen and obey. To stay on task with their school work. I spend hours each day in the kitchen (or at least it seems that way) I also spend hours each day teaching them – which is actually something we do all love to do. And way too much time driving around on errands or to different activities. I’m learning that some days I have much more patience than others. And it’s something I need to work on.

And while all this is exciting. There is something more exciting happening. Thomas and I have grown and changed a lot over the last couple years. Some of it has been hard. But I think the changes will allow us to be more fruitful, more loving, and more ready to serve others. Our family is at the beginning of a new chapter. Things are moving and shaking and I’m fully expecting a lot more changes in our life.  We certainly have a mission ahead of us. Stay tuned!