Choosing Joy

It was almost four years ago to the day, my husband came home, and I was miserable and frustrated again. The kids were not listening. To be honest, I went from a very demanding job in the Governor’s Office with high levels of stress to a job trying to maintaining a home and teaching my children. My new job as homemakers and homeschooler was my dream. I thought it was going to be easy and fun. It had been six months and I was wrong. The children had other plans on what their days should look like.

Our youngest son at the time was 21 months and receiving a ton of medical attention due to his delays. He wasn’t walking yet. He had apnea so bad he would stop breathing during the day at anytime. His snoring was over the top. Instead of having post nasal drip he had frontal nasal drip that streamed down his face all hours throughout the day.

My older son was 6 years old, brilliant, and rebelling against most school work. I would ask him to write 1 or 2 words and he would go outside and run circles around the house screaming “You can’t make me and I don’t want to.”

Throw in a beautiful, sassy and silly three-year-old girl. And a seven-year-old girl who wanted to please but was loud, full of drama, and impulse issues. And you have my life in a nutshell.

Homeschooling was hard. I couldn’t just teach them in a normal way. I had to make things engaging. It required a lot of time, energy, and planning. And certainly had to be done orally as much as possible for my son.

But it was their obedience that waned on me most. They were all active, except the youngest with delays. All loud. I would look around and see other children sitting nicely, my kids were running the halls and running circles. We spent lots of time training. It just didn’t seem to come naturally to any of my kids. They were little spit fires. And it easiest to explain and quite probably the result of drug exposure. Attention span and impulse control did not come easy for them.††

And it was with all this going on that I became frustrated on a daily basis and the joy of being a homemaker was being zapped away. And it was then that my husband came home one day and reminded me I had to choose joy. His words to me were that if I waited for everything to be perfect, it would never happen, because our children were not going to always be obedient and they were not going to be perfect. EVER.

And this verse became an axiom in our lives. And it was posted on our fridge. And we realized that we have actually have daily instruction for living our lives.

“…rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18

And my paradigm shifted. And I chose joy. ††

I chose joy despite my circumstances. And despite the chaos. And despite the hardships. And despite the disobedience. And despite the lack of money. Regardless of it all, I could choose to have a good day or I could choose not to. I could choose to let others rule my day, or not.

And this lesson continues to shape our lives. Our days are what we make of them. We can choose to be rejoice or not. And our day will reflect our attitude. It is this lesson that I hope grabs the heart of my children as well, because we can all sit in self-pity and sorrow if we choose, or we can make our lives better and we can give thanks for what we have.

Needed: More Foster Families

1,200 new foster parents sought in Florida

This story is popping up all over the news this month, including in the local Sunday paper today.

If you are wondering if this means you. It just might. If you are interested in being a foster parent, you should check it out.

When I started this blog, I had envisioned writing more about our experiences as foster parents. We started our MAPP class a little over five years ago; about six months later we were licensed foster parents. When November rolls around we will have been active foster parents for five years – parenting a total of 10 children, from newborns to teens. Many of them for a lengthy stay.

The reason I say very little about foster care online is because most of the issues and problems I deal with are confidential. I’d love to share more about the children, the issues, the case managers, court, and everything we deal with – but there is a limit to what can be said. The children are in our care to be protected.

We currently parent two foster care children: a 6-month-old baby girl, and a 19-month-old toddler. We have had both of these children for what I would consider a long-term basis. The baby girl moved in with us at 5 days old; the toddler moved in at 7 months old.

In addition, both Petra and Jasper were adopted through the foster care system. Petra came to live with us at 2 days old. We were blessed to pick her up from the hospital. Jasper came home at 2.5 months old. Both of them are blessings and we are delighted to call them our own.

Fostering is a rewarding and frustrating experience. You love the child, and the “system” is enough to drive you mad.

Frustration can occur due to a number of factors when you foster. I have come to realize the most aggravating for myself is the lack of communication. There is a huge communication issue that foster parents deal with. I expect information and communication as a foster parent on a regular basis – I rarely get it. Most of the time case managers are too timid to tell you much of anything – even though they should. Many times they don’t realize what they can legally tell you and what they cannot share. And each one is different. On occasion we have been blessed with a wonderful case manager that sees us as part of the team, but for the most part, most of them fail to see the team value we are able to add.

Just a few examples of some things we have experienced: no one bothers to tell you about an  internal staffing, they forget to tell you that the child will be picked up for visitation,  they take 2 weeks to respond to an email you sent, they tell you the child’s case is a low priority, they lie to you, they review the case 5 minutes before they show up and never really prepare or know what’s going on, they purposely keep things from you regarding the case because they don’t know what they can share because they’ve never bothered to figure it out, they forget to check to see if the mom is married which slows everything down for many months, and the list goes on and on.

But to frustrate me even more, there are often complete communication gaps that have a real impact on us and the child. One of those communication gaps happened recently. As foster parents we are a party to the case and we are required to be notified of every court hearing. Except recently there was a court hearing for our toddler and somehow no one managed to notify us of the hearing. He has lived with us for 12 months and I can assure you they know to contact us in the event of any meeting. Plus in this case its the law. At this court hearing in particular, an important decision came down from the judge – the decision to reunify with his biological family. We were told of it 4 days later.

Now I can tell you, this represents one of the largest communication problems in the system we have had to deal with to date. And while it is aggravating, and can be frustrating, it by no means discounts the rewards of being a foster parent.

While there have been many challenges for us, and the “system” is lacking in many ways, and you sometimes have to deal with more drama than in a season of Teen Mom on MTV, being a foster parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Every moment of it I have loved.

I love the first few moments when a child is welcomed into our home. I remember each child’s eyes and their expression of the unknown. I love the first few days when we are working on figuring each other out. I love the weeks that follow when you learn to love and trust one another. As the weeks pass their laugh, smile, cute baby toes, or even their dreams for a better future, all meld into your heart and they are part of your family. And I especially love the opportunity it presents for us to share our beliefs, values and morals. It challenges us daily to be our best.

There is not one moment in the last five years that I would want to change. There is not one child I wish we hadn’t fostered. Every one of the 10 children we have loved has made us better people, better parents. And I love them all. I love the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.

If you have a desire to foster, take the chance. Don’t let worry or fear keep you away from this incredible experience. Trust me when I say fostering a child will change your life for the better.

For fostering in Florida, contact the Children’s Home Society.

Love never fails

Questions arose today on the permanency of our new foster child.

For almost 4 years we have had the amazing opportunity to care for orphans. We are in the process of renewing our license. It was a busy day,  the guardian ad litem and the Department of Health both stopped in for a visit.

When faced with this question of how we feel about a child in our home, we always answer the same. Love. We love the child like they were our own, from the moment they arrive, not from the moment we know they might be staying with us permanently.

Because love never fails.

We welcome them from the start with the attitude that this is the child God  has given us, for a time, just as He gives any child to a family.

The eight children we have cared for over the last few years have needed love more than anything else. Most have come from families that are falling apart, most of them have suffered from extensive drug exposure either as infants or prenatal, most of them would never hear the name Jesus if they stayed with their parents.  And all of them begin to thrive again in a home where love and joy of God is given and offered freely.

As foster parents our role extends also to supporting the family. We often run into them at visitations, court hearings, and for other reasons. While our love for the child is strong, working with the families can be the hardest part of a foster parent’s job. Seeing the issues …. while only wanting the best for the child … leads often to disappointment and serious concerns.

Each day we also try to reach out in prayer to the families. Specifically that they will be able to recover, that they will grow to know Him and follow His will for their life. And most importantly that God’s will be done.

We remind ourselves that we are not better than others. The love of Christ and the love of others are synonymous.

This is not to say we disregard behaviors and actions. We are proactive foster parents seeking a winning solution for the child. However, we remind ourselves that our job is to cheer for the well-being of the family, not to discourage it.

And we are able to serve both the child and family best if we remember that LOVE is the necessary link. Both love for the child and love for the family.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” I Corinthians 13:4-8

Foster Care Update

We received good news today. The 2 children we had been asked to take into our home (of a sibling group of 4) will be staying together with family! I am so pleased they won’t be separated from their family and will remain with their siblings.

We are under some pressure this month to get our annual licensing complete. We have to take 8 hrs of classes, have the fire extinguisher inspected, get the dogs vaccinated, have our home inspected by the Dept of Health, have a home inspection, and fill out some paperwork.